Letting go of anger is easier said than done. I was reminded of this by some thoughtful readers last Friday, when they commented on the Zondervan Facebook page about an excerpt on letting go of anger. Their questions included, "What if the person doesn't think they did anything wrong?" "What if we've tried to forgive someone, but we just can't let go?"
I think we've all felt how hard it can be to forgive and forget, so I'd like to share three things I've learned about forgiving when it's hard. I didn't come up with these on my own, so wherever I'm drawing inspiration from an author, I try to point you to a resource where they say more, and say it better than I do. Okay, here we go...
3 Insights on Forgiving When It's Difficult
1. Forgiveness isn't a free pass.
Forgiveness isn't a "get out of consequences free" card. If trust has been breached, consequences are often healthy.
Here's an illustration from a sermon I heard recently: Imagine a married man who keeps to a certain ritual. Every day after work he goes to a coffee shop with his coworkers to unwind for about an hour and a half. But, his wife discovers, for the last few months he hasn't been going to the coffee shop during that time — he's been seeing another woman. If he repents of this to his wife, and she forgives him, does that mean it's a good idea for him to begin going to the coffee shop every day again? Probably not. For a while, maybe the husband should come straight home after work. Or if he does stay out, he should call his wife at an agreed-upon time, touching base on where he is and with whom he's spending time. This would be a healthy part of reconciliation. It begins with forgiveness but doesn't stop there — and the wife is both parties involved need to work at reconciliation.
The single most valuable book I've seen about learning when and how you can trust again is John Townsend's Beyond Boundaries. If you're at all interested in this topic, I recommend you check out the "Beyond Boundaries" live webcast with Dr. John Townsend, coming up on October 4.
2. Nobody deserves forgiveness. That's where grace comes in.
If you're like me, there are times when you've thought "So-and-so doesn't deserve my forgiveness." A simple idea from Scripture overhauled my thinking on this: nobody deserves forgiveness. Grace is always undeserved, or else it isn't grace.
I first heard this years ago as I listened to a sermon from Chuck Swindoll. He was preaching on grace from the Gospel of John, and it just so happened that I was sitting near someone I would have called my enemy. This person refused to acknowledge how some of their actions had hurt me. I'd carried so much bitterness against them for so long, I was exhausted.
So as Swindoll talks about grace and the cross, I began to sense how amazing grace really is. Jesus, God-in-the-flesh, the only innocent person who ever lived, took the place of people like us? I mean, I had hurt people too. Of course I had. And Jesus still wanted to love and forgive people like me?
I wish I had a recording of that sermon, but I see that Chuck Swindoll's Insights on John covers a lot of the same ground. Powerful stuff.
3. When you can't forgive, pray.
Have you ever heard the old saying, "It's hard to hate someone when you're praying for them"? I swear by that. (I can't recall if Lewis Smedes says those exact words in Forgive and Forget, but it's one of many nuggets I gleaned from that book.)
I pray something like this when I feel especially bankrupt of forgiveness:
God, I can't find it in my heart to forgive them for what they did. I'm so angry and hurt that I don't want to forgive them. Thank you for your patience and grace. Please help me to follow Jesus' example by extending some of your grace to them. I can't do this without you. Thank you. Amen.
God has answered that prayer for me. It can take a long time (and more pain than I'd like) to forgive someone, but I believe God delights in our desires to become more like Christ, and the Spirit helps us in our pursuit.
There's a few insights that have made a big difference along my journey. What about you? What insights into forgiveness have made a difference in your life?
(-Adam Forrest, Zondervan Internet Team. The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the views of Zondervan or any of its representatives.)
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